The Beginning...

Hey folks,
Welcome to our blog!
I’m not sure how frequently we will post updates but if you are interested in hearing about our journey and immersion into first time parenthood check back from time to time and feel free to leave comments.

Our Journey To Parenthood…

After 6 years of constant fertility treatments, failing one cycle after another due to my poly-cystic ovarian syndrome and adhesions, we decided that becoming parents was FAR more important than the aspect of biology.

We began looking into our various adoption options. Our first reaction was that we were interested in international adoption because that’s with what we were most familiar. I began following the goings-on in Guatemalan adoptions and researched Russian adoption as well. We began to see many moral and physical road blocks for us with regard to international adoption.

Adoption in Russia required two lengthy stays, one of which both adoptive parents must spend in country. While traveling isn’t really a problem for us, Russian cities and towns are much older and we soon found that the government offices and public transit are not accessible for Steve. We were also concerned about the idea that in many of the Russian adoption programs you travel to the town and go to an orphanage where you are shown three or so kids out of the nursery and you “choose”. It was likely that I would be doing that part by myself.  I looked at you tube videos of people first meeting their children and found one where an adoptive mother was doing just that, choosing.  She was playing with the little girl while in the background of the video a group of 4 toddlers stood behind a baby gate reaching out and crying.  Holy God!  It killed me and still haunts me thinking about that video.  I knew that I could not survive that situation emotionally and nor could Steve.  We just could not see ourselves ever recovering from choosing one child and not the others.

Guatemalan adoption had already been a source of pain for our family due to two failed adoption attempts by my aunt and uncle several years ago. While we were still hopeful that this might be a possible path for us, we began to have concerns over how the birth parents’ rights may have been terminated, or of how much choice the women may or may not have in having their parental rights terminated. We also felt apprehensive about not knowing anything about the child’s birth family, as this information is generally not made available to the adoptive parents.  I couldn't think about not knowing answers for our child or our child not having the connection to his birth family.

Our knowledge about domestic adoption (placements made within the United States) was much more limited than what we had learned about international adoption, so in January 2008 we attended an information seminar for an agency in Indianapolis that specialized in U.S. as well as international adoptions.

We walked in with a lot of anticipation and a long list of questions. They had a bunch of paperwork for us to fill out before the seminar started, and they took a Polaroid photo of us for “our file” and we took our seat. We sat through a couple of hours of videos and lectures about the pros and cons of international vs. domestic adoption. The information they provided was disconcerting to say the least. As they spoke about domestic adoption the presenters made sweeping generalizations about birthmothers of various cultural and racial backgrounds and the behaviors you would have to accept when dealing with them. Statements such as “Black mothers are like this…. White mothers are like this… Hispanic mothers are like this…” It was pretty offensive. There happened to be a young couple sitting behind us that I could tell wasn’t fond of the presentations either (this becomes noteworthy later in the story).  They also devalued babies of certain backgrounds and gave lots of perks for choosing to adopt from that racial background...down to lower adoption fees.

At the end of the seminar they presented us with a folder detailing what they thought would be a good adoption plan. The packet suggested that our best bet would be international adoption, and they had noted several countries from which we might consider adopting. Turns out this agency does not actually handle any type of international adoption but provided several packets from agencies that do. Steve and I stayed after to consult with the agency about domestic adoption options. They essentially told us that they had never worked with a couple chosen in “our situation” before, and while that didn’t mean we wouldn’t have a successful adoption, they just really weren’t sure if a birthmother would choose us.  (If you don't know us personally, Steven lives with a spinal cord injury and uses a power chair to get around.) Steve and I agreed that the adoption process is not something we wanted to start with an agency that is not certain of our ability to become parents, so we decided to keep looking.

That week I started calling agencies about international adoption. At the time, adoption from Guatemala and China were virtually shut off to western countries, and many countries would not allow us to adopt because they would not accept a parent with a disability, even if he has a stable job with the US federal government. Crap!

So that led me back to researching our domestic options. We began reading a lot about open adoption, and this concept really felt right to us. In open adoption the birth mother has a lot of choice in how much contact she would like with the adoptive family as well as being able to choose with whom she places the baby and the level of openness with the adoptive family after placement.

This took us to the Independent Adoption Center (IAC) in Indianapolis. Immediately we could tell that the attitude was different here. The devaluing of birthmothers and children of color was nonexistent. The IAC’s website pictured all types of families equally; biracial couples, same gender couples, older couples, as well as single parent hopefuls. As we spoke with the counselors we found out that we too would be treated equally as their philosophy is that there truly is a birth mother for every family. We felt hope after this meeting and joined within the month.  The agency seemed to be in line with current adoption philosophy on best practices for all people involved, birthfamilies, children and adoptive parents.  Our child could know his birth family and so could we!  They would know the answers to their questions and birth families would/could stay connected.  There wouldn't be a cloak of secrecy or shame about adoption for anyone involved.  This seemed to eliminate our moral and ethical concerns about adoption.

We finished our paperwork very quickly. We then had to make a profile letter detailing our hopes to adopt a child. The letter contained lots of photos of us and several paragraphs about our families, friends, interests, careers and hobbies. We also made a website to be linked through the IAC site with even more photos and information about ourselves.

We asked around at the IAC if there were any adoption support groups in our area and we were happy to find out that there were two other Bloomington couples that had recently asked the same thing. We exchanged email addresses and decided to start an informal “support group” of local couples working with the IAC in the process of adopting. Our first meeting was a pot-luck dinner at our house and we’ve continued to meet at least once a month often at restaurants or parks, or at other couples’ homes. It turns out that the couple who sat behind us in the first seminar (at the agency we weren't too crazy about) were one of the couples who are also in the process of adopting through the IAC, and one of the couples hoping to start a support group.

Going through fertility treatments was a lonely, scary, and often depressing experience. With the adoption experience we have been so thankful to have a group of people to talk to throughout the process. Everyone in the group had been through ups and downs of their own to become parents, now we are sharing those adoption experiences with each other, and without this group of friends to talk with, bounce ideas off of, and sometimes just vent, we would not be sane today.

By December of 2008 we were starting to feel a little discouraged after being on the books since August with no contacts from any birth mothers. At around that time we received our first contact from my cousin Margaret, who got a lead through her boss who is also on the board of directors of an adoption agency in Illinois. It was a last minute situation in Tennessee for a baby girl who was 6 days old. It got our hearts pounding for about 5 hours, but by the time we were able to get in touch with the people handling the situation they had already found her a family.  It turned out she was an adoption facilitator, which is not legal to use in Indiana.

Then about 2 weeks later we received an e-mail from a 21 year old woman in South Dakota who was making an adoption plan for her baby due June 24. We e-mailed her back and she told us that she had initially received 200 letters from the IAC and had narrowed those 200 down to 8.  We were one of the 8! Over the next few days we kept in contact through phone and text messages and soon the 8 choices were narrowed down to 4, and by about December 22nd narrowed down to 2. And we were one of the 2!

She was hesitant to make a final decision before Christmas, and she had plenty of time to think it over as she was not due for 6 months. On Christmas Eve we shared the news with our family, and a few of us made the joke “What if we get another call now! What would we do?” The likelihood of this happening is astronomically low however, so we weren’t really entertaining the idea… but since Ms. South Dakota had not yet chosen us as the parents for her child we were of course still open to speaking with other potential birth mothers looking to place.

On Christmas Day at 5:35pm I went to the bathroom.  While in the bathroom I had received a message on my cell phone from a young woman asking if we were still looking for a baby to adopt because she was ready to make and adoption plan!  She said it was a boy and he was healthy.  I was so freaked out and called Steve who was driving my brother and dad to the video store to get a movie. Steve freaked out equally, as did the rest of the family within earshot! This woman was from a small town in Indiana which is only about 50 miles from us, and she was due March 12, 2009. She was 21 and has two very young children already and realized that she wasn’t in the position to parent another child at this time. When I called her back she told me “I just know that you guys are the parents for this baby” and later told me that she didn’t see this as her giving a baby to us - she “wanted to give US to HIM.” She was really sweet and had gotten our letter from the OBGYN we both go to. Coincidentally, the letter that I left at the OBGYN office was the very first letter we had given out.  She had held onto the letter from August until Christmas.  She had shared it with friends and family.  All those months we were waiting and she was waiting to call us.  People joke about the Christmas Day call that you're going to be parents because it seems cliche or cheesy...but it was bliss.  We connected on that very first call.  She confided that she was nervous, I said, "ME TOO!"  I thanked her for calling no matter how things turned out, I told her I knew how hard it must have been to make that first call.  She said it was, but she knew we were her son's parents.

We set up a time to meet her and her sister a few days later at a truck stop in her hometown. She kept telling us that she knew that “we were the parents for her baby” and she had already chosen us! It didn’t take us long at all to know that this was the right match, and after several days of not hearing from Ms. South Dakota we decided to match with Ms. Indiana.

We had a formal “match meeting” with IAC soon after and discussed what the birthmother’s needs are during the adoption process, during the actual birth, and afterward. We get along so well with her and it fells like a really great fit.

A few days later, Ms. South Dakota sent a text message asking if we had matched with someone else. We told her that we had, because after nearly 4 weeks she had never made a decision on whether she was going to choose us. Apparently after learning that we matched with someone else, she contacted the IAC to let them know she had also chosen us. We felt sad for her because we really did enjoy getting to know her, but we felt so confident that Ms. Indiana was the right choice that it was never an issue in our minds.

We will refer to our son's birthmother as “J” (her first initial) from now on. She is cute, feisty, and funny. She has been very gracious in including us in her doctor’s appointments and has kept us updated throughout the remainder of the pregnancy. She has given us permission to use photos of her and to use her name. She really loves this baby and her two other boys, and wants to make the best decision for all of them.

We have also spoken with the birthfather. He is 19 and lives in J’s town. He is not ready to parent either but was happy to know we are a couple that values music as he is an aspiring musician.

Both J and the birth father have given us the great honor and trust to parent this baby boy. We hope to keep in contact with J but at this time she is not sure how much contact she will continue to want. For now we plan to send her pictures and letters, and she will be checking in on this website too. If she decides to not continue contact we will understand, but we will really miss her as we have really come to love and appreciate her.

We will be sending photos and letters to the birth father through the agency and he too will have access to this website.

The agency will continue to offer lifetime counseling to both birth parents if they should need or want it, which is part of why we chose to work with the Independent Adoption Center.

Now we wait for about 10 more days until the due date! We anticipate that the process will go smoothly as J has been so confident in this choice since the moment we first spoke with her. In Indiana she can sign the adoption documents within 24 hours after birth, and everything is finalized in about 6 to 8 weeks.
Once J signs the adoption documents there are no worries that anyone will come and take the baby or show up on our doorstep, as the birthfather was given 30 days to contest the adoption which lapsed about 3 weeks ago. I know this might be a concern for family and friends who may not have personal experience with the concept of an open adoption.  After J signs in the hospital we can bring the baby home, and the ability to revoke that decision in Indiana is very, very slim.  Knowing what she will be going through to make this decision is difficult.  We love her so much already and we hope that visits and calls continue.

Okay, the next entries will not be so long or so dry but I wanted to give you a picture of where we’ve been so you know how much we appreciate where we are going. Thanks for reading!

+Update as of September 13, 2010.... Henry was born March 9th just before 11pm.  We have continued contact with J, Thank goodness!  We've had lots of visits and we text nearly daily.  We have been able to meet most of her immediate family.  They have become very supportive and check the blog for updates often.  Despite some health issues, she is doing very well and has since married the love of her life.

We keep updates to M, Henry's birthfather through a social networking site but still have only heard back from him 1 time, in January 2010.  He expressed interest in meeting and we welcomed it but have yet to hear from him again.  I continue to send almost monthly updates, I know he has had a lot of feelings to deal with surrounding the adoption but said he has come to see us as a blessing, which means so much to us.