Our Nest is Missing a Birdie

Dear Peep, 

I was really picking up the blog postings and really enjoying it.  You have actually started asking to look at the blog, mostly to look at the pictures and to ask questions about yourself as a baby.  I am grateful I've kept focused on keeping it up.......but the most recent departure from posting has been a doozie, sucking the energy and emotion from all of our hearts.  I wrote previously about Daddy getting pneumonia and having a 4 day hospital stay...that was only a warning.  After 4-5 weeks of Daddy trying to heal and energize each attempt ended with him spending the day and night huddled under a blanket next to his heater.  Several infections, another one day hospital stay where he was given a pic line for IV antibiotics and then a scary night that ended in Mommy calling an ambulance to get oxygen to Daddy's blue lips and arms began a long scary trip to two hospitals.  You slept through the EMT workers gathering around Daddy...then I had to wake you to meet Daddy at the hospital.  You looked around confused saying, "Where is Daddy?"  I told you he had to go to the hospital via ambulance because he is sick and needs help.  The ambulance was still in the driveway as we walked out to the garage.  You looked out the little garage door window and saw it.  You said, "OOH! Emergency!"  You didn't want to go to Grandma P and Baboo's so they decided to stay at our house.  When I told you they were going to take you home you grew sad and said, "I want to go home but I don't want to be all alone."  When I assured you they would be with there too you gave me a hug and kiss and were okay.  Thank goodness for Grandma P and Baboo that they could stay with you at home.  You did so much better over all coping while being at home...and then later Grandpa Tim took over watching you.  For Daddy doctors did a bronchoscopy, drawing out a lot of gunk that blocked most of the openings to Daddy's left lung and his right lung which had collapsed in the lower lobe.  After two days Mommy prayed that she'd get a strong feeling, a signal if I needed to move him to a bigger hospital.  I woke up on the third day very early with a start.  Daddy was gray and had a hard time carrying on a conversation.  He was complacent and kind of out of it.  I went home to make a couple of calls and talk to Grandma P and Baboo and concluded the only choice was to move him to University Hospital IU in Indianapolis.  The respiratory therapist was great and tried a couple of things to try and make things better but she was getting increasingly serious.  I texted Krispie and begged her to get there right away, I was scared to be alone.  The transfer takes a while and by 2pm Daddy crashed, was not breathing again and not blowing off Co2.  He was rushed to the ICU to get intubated and given A second bronchoscopy.  This was hard...to see Daddy out of it, with a tube in his throat, arms tied down to keep him from pulling out the tube in his confusion.  Cousin Tony was home watching you while Grandma P, Baboo, Krispie, Aunt Carrie, Uncle Gary, Lauren and Warren, our good friend Bryan, and Grandma Lajean waited to see what was going to happen.  Mommy had to make a lot of hard decisions for all of us.   Daddy never wanted to have a trach.  Having to be ventilated has been a fear of his since his C5 spinal cord injury at 15.  Finally, Daddy was more stable and moved by ambulance to Indianapolis to the pulmonary ICU.  Younger doctors and residence listened to and heard his fear of getting a trach and did everything possible to avoid it and advocate for his choice with his wonderfully experienced supervising doctor.  After the tube came out he was great for about two hours and then started going down hill very quickly.  Mommy had to prepare him for what seemed to be the inevitable choice of reintubating or trach.  He got very good care and thanks to an astute respiratory therapist, Jill, who suggested a coughalator machine they rarely used, to blow up his lungs then suck out the air triggering a stronger coughing response.  This allowed Daddy's lungs to heal rather than requiring a trach or reintubation.  He was in bed over 14 days...I lost count to be honest.  Medication made him not himself but luckily the bright side is it also left him with very little memory of subsequent events even before he entered the hospital.  Weak and still healing, Daddy needed to go to a rehabilitation hospital to get stronger after being in bed.   Having multiple infections, tube feedngs, intubation and not using his muscles took its toll on his energy and strength.  It was a wearisome decision to make.  All he wants to do is to come home with us, but I could see that coming home two days after intubation and the discovery of another infection would in no way benefit any of us.  In the end Daddy came to the same conclusion and decided to go to RHI.  I had gotten to spend a night with you and a couple of afternoons in all of those passing days, Daddy was afraid for you to see the tubes all over so he only saw you briefly twice after the tubes were out.  We both sobbed together multiple times with worry, longing and love for our little dude.  To help you understand what was going on Mommy told you one day that Daddy had started out being really sick with 5 germs...they danced down his nose and mouth into his lungs (a reference to a Curious George episode The Inside Story) and he is steadily getting better.  

 Each time Daddy took a step toward improvement I would report to you, "Guess what! Daddy is down to four/three/ two/one germs."  This seemed to really help you and you would tell anyone who would listen about your Daddy's germs and how he had five, extending out your splayed out fingers, and then counting it down.  I often asked if you had any questions.  You had a few, one of which was why did Daddy shave his beard and why was his bed a fork lift.  You were also really happy to see him at RHI with pants and a shirt on moving about in his chair, you said that was awesome.  

Yesterday I came home to you to take back over your care and to ease back into being home a Thompson Trio again.  While Daddy is at RHI we will be together.  The next few nights we are staying at a hotel so we can visit.  You were so happy to see Daddy today and you greeted him out on the physical therapy floor with a handful of gummy worms. 

Before going to Indianapolis today we had a gentle conversation about birds....

While driving to get my haircut a big bird swooped in front of our windshield.  From the back of the van you shouted, "Hey! Did you see that bird?"

I said, "Why, yes! I did."

You asked, "Where do you think it is going?"

I said, "I don't know, maybe back to it's nest to feed its babies."

You said, "Noooo, I think it is flying to Indianapolis."

"You think so? Why is he going there," I asked?

"He had two germs and still has one so he is going to get better and then come back to his nest when he is all better."

I sucked my breath in deeply and asked, "Oh, my! Does he have babies in his nest?"

"Yes," you said.

My heart feeling brittle, "Does his babies miss him?"

"Yes!  They are feeling kind of sad. But he will come back to the nest when the last germ is gone."

"Will that make the babies happy?"
"Yes!"

I was full seeing you sitting with Daddy while he cuddled you up and told you a punk rock farm story.  You were happy to be in his arms.  Being in rehab has brought up a lot of Daddy's old feelings from when he had his car accident that broke his neck.  It has been difficult to weed through the feelings and remember that the old fears of "will I ever's" are nothing to fear at age 37, because Daddy has...a home, a wife, a car he drives, an amazing job and an incredible little boy.  He became emotional with worry that his little Peep might forget him...might be scared of him...might reject him.  Love can really make a person afraid sometimes, especially when it is so intense and all encompassing, as it is for you, that loosing it would be impossible to cope.  So this visit and the love you showed Daddy was freeing for him.  As JoJo told me on the phone the first scary morning Mommy was at University Hospital with Daddy, "He is his daddy! He is never sick!  He couldn't have a better daddy.  I'm not worried about Henry, I'm worried about you guys, Henry has love all around him."  It is so true, we are all so a part of each other I can't tell where we each end and begin. 

Tonight as we were leaving Daddy after visiting him at RHI you were giving hugs and kisses.  

You asked Daddy if he would be going to the hotel with us tonight.  He said, "No, honey, not tonight, Daddy has to stay here and do his exercises to get strong."  Perched on Daddy's arm rest you started looking down, fiddling your fingers together and slumping into your blanket a little more.  I asked if you were okay, if you were feeling sad.  You whispered, "No."  I asked, "Is baby bird sad?"  You breathed out a, "Yes..." 

I asked you if you told Daddy about the bird that we saw that was flying to Indianapolis.  

You started telling him about it...and baby bird wanting Daddy bird back in the nest.  He told you that Daddy bird was missing his baby bird so much that all he wants to do is return to the nest to be with his baby.  CRACK, Daddy couldn't hold back the tears.  So beautiful how you were able to express what you are feeling through a single bird flying past our window.  You're so smart.  You're so special.  You looked at us and said, "Mommy don't be sad, it will be okay.  Daddy why are you sad?"  Daddy told you that he loves you so much and misses you to pieces.  You gave him a kiss.  

On the way out of the building Daddy sat in the doorway doling out kisses and hugs.  He stayed there until he could no longer see us.  The short walk to the car you walked backward blowing kiss after kiss to him.  I opened the van door and saw Daddy's green blanket.  I sad, "Henny do you think we should take Daddy his blanket?"  You didn't answer, you hoisted that mangy, cheap camping blanket up over your shoulder and started running back to the building calling out to Daddy, "Wait! Daddy! WAIT!  WAIT! DADDY!"  You went through the doors and threw it across his lap, said, "I love you Daddy," and headed back to the van.  

I finally feel tonight that things could be normal again.  I am grateful.  We have had a tremendous amount of support from family, friends and friends of friends.  He received wonderfully compassionate, careful care at both Bloomington and University, both hospitals looked out for me too.  Nurses are phenomenal people, and the caliber at Bloomington was inspiring.  Our adoption support group friends held us closely...supplying us with food (Thanks Eunice and Wanda), prayer, a shoulder to cry on and an open phone line to make crazed late night calls (thanks Heather and Brook for the goody packages).  I can't forget my poor nephew that had me get freaked out at their house only to find me teetering on the edge of his bed wrapped up in a blanket because I couldn't be alone.  My Auntie Linda helped keep me centered at really rough times by giving me straight up information and advice.  My uncles sister in law, a University respiratory therapist, checked on us constantly putting me at ease.  Kate and David visited and brought an amazing care package from Steve's work family...generous with gas gift cards, snacks and protein drinks.  Not only that but his co-workers donated their own time off so that Steve could have time to heal and still receive a pay check.  Our friends Heather and Mike and Megan took on Henry for playtime to give my parents a rest.  GG made food to keep us nourished.  Auntie Krispie was an amazing support, visiting Steve often, making him a superb letter board so he could speak more freely while not being able to vocalize and holding him during rough times when I was trying to find rest and focus.  We seem to live mostly just the three of us but to know that old high school friends, former students and acquaintances, current friends and family, your birth family and others from all over offered up such support and comfort at times when I felt I would never get my husband back the way I love him...I can't .... I can't begin saying anything about it...It is reassuring to see the best of people, taking time to give us support when we all live such congested lives. 

Henry, you are fortunate...we are fortunate as a family to have people take such interest and compassion for us.  I felt a fuzzy warmth and less alone the entire ordeal and the prayers for you my son, I honestly believe helped you cope in a sweet and gentle way this time.  No words for it.... I only hope that this is only a blip in our lives...I mean if he was never sick before....

I Love You My Sweet Soul, Mama

*After day 3 of therapy down as Daddy gave you a hug goodbye and you were ready to get down I noticed he was able to let you down slowly with his arm without falling over....it has been a few months since he has been strong enough for that.  

You keep asking me why we are leaving Daddy there, ... and tonight you spoke as yourself as we were picking up dinner and not baby bird and said, "I'm sad.  Can we just go home, will we ever go home again where Daddy will play with me again and wear clothes?"  Yes! It will happen sweet pea.